Four management lessons

coffee_compI first read this one years back . But it still makes me laugh. No offence to managers by the way ;). I didn’t write it either.

Four Management Lessons

Lesson One

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy”. “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.” The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The Hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. Promptly, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don’t need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.

Lesson Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped a load of hot, steaming dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of shit, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung. The cat promptly dug the bird out, killed him and ate him.

Management Lesson: Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. Not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend. And when you’re warm and happy in your pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!


Lost standard

coffee_compExcerpt of a conversation between me and my friend over the phone yesterday:

My friend : I bought a new LG Optimus.
Me : What does it have to offer more compared to my Micromax A70?
My friend : You lost your standard.
Me : Whoa! Didn’t we lose it the day we enrolled for Engineering?
My friend : Oh ya!

[Enjoy it just for the humour and don’t take it literally ;)]

Removing the ras (syrup) from rôshogolla

coffee_compMany of my colleagues requested to bring back rôshogollas when I return from my vacation. Unfortunately I forgot that carrying any liquid (other than medicine and plain water) in flights is prohibited nowadays. My handbag failed to pass the screening and I was asked what I have in my bag. I was taken aback as I totally forgot about the liquid related rule. Besides I removed as much syrup as possible before packing the rôshogollas. After unpacking the security guy found the pack and I had to open it up and show him what was inside. He asked me to add an entry in his file and leave it. From his Hindi I could understand that he is a North-Indian. As I had to carry the heavy pack all the way from home to the airport I was desperate and I jokingly asked him – “Bhaiya, if, somehow I can somehow remove all the ras from it will it still remain rasgulla? Have you ever tasted anything like that in Kolkata? ;)”.

The guy smilingly thought for a while and finally let me go with the pack (after making an entry though) with a warning not to open it in the flight. Happily I left the security check and proceeded towards my gate.

New programming slangs

cool_penguin_smallA collection of exotic new expressions for regularly faced situations. For example, last week I had to tell a 5-yr experienced developer to RTFM when he dragged me to his desk to ask why the files from his test rpm are not able to overwrite the ones from the already installed package and is throwing conflict messages. Once I read a manager fired his developer because he did not know how to redirect a program’s error messages from the console to a file.

I loved the “Drug Report” and “Fear Driven Development” most. How about you?

An evening of mishaps

coffee_compAttended a colleague’s wedding reception yesterday. Had been one of my funniest and peculiar experiences till date.

Normally I am infernally unsocial and stay safe from any kind of social gatherings. But this time thought of going because the colleague is a Bengalee. Incapable of “cooking” anything other than maggi noodles I haven’t had Bengalee food or non-veg for a while now. Besides I have a junior colleague from UP who was also very much eager to visiting a South-Indian style marriage (the groom is local). Being a bachelor the prospect of good food was alluring for him as well. So mostly we dreamt of food the whole week before the reception.

He called me around 15:15 and I told him that I will catch the Volvo at 15:45 and call him before his stop comes. We also confirmed each other that we have both skipped lunch pretending to be busy in other work (though both knew we were saving space for a heavy dinner). I got ready by 15:40 and then found that I haven’t shaved; had to get ready once again after shaving. Caught the next Volvo and my colleague boarded after some time. We got down at Silk Board around 17:00 and discovered we were both hungry. Walked up the pavement for around 10 minutes and had juice and noodles at a roadside hotel.

We were to be given a lift by another colleague from Silk Board at 18:00 who arrived 1 hr 15 mins late. We started towards Hosur. After reaching our destination we found that the guy who had to bring the gift has forgotten it at home. So we went out once again to buy a bouquet. After a futile search we decided to gift a wall-clock instead and bought one.

We had to stand behind a long queue for gifting and it took around half an hr to reach the bridegroom. Once done, we headed straight for dinner. To our (me and my junior) astonishment we discovered that food is going to be South Indian and definitely no non-veg. That’s the time I swore to ignore any future invitations in South India. Being a Bengalee I had no idea an wedding treat could be veg! The same happened for my junior who is veg but not a South Indian veg. So we decided we will have dinner at a restaurant in Indiranagar on our way back. On our way out we were given a coconut each… probably as a consolation.

While driving back we missed a turn after Madiwala and ended up in outer ring road and drove all the way to Marathahalli. There we missed the bridge and went through the tunnel. At that time I had to call my wife and assure her we had a gala dinner :'( afraid of getting bullied on the spot. We drove up to ISRO premises for turning. Finally I reached home at 23:15 with a coconut in hand which they give at the exit while leaving a marriage here.

When I woke up in the morning today, still tired and hungry, the last evening seemed to be a nightmare to me. But I am sure the next time I will call up a restaurant for lavish food instead of heading to a wedding in South India.