God as a Computer Programmer

penguin_compSome Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it’s tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnight job.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If an critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up.  Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren’t programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you.  And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don’t let anyone put you down.

Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let’s just say he’s not going to any more meetings if he can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don’t make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God.  Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question.  Please restate your query in the form of a question.
Abort, Retry, Fail?

Original source

Programmer Husband

A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.
Dear, please go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.

OK… hun…

20 minutes later the husband comes back with 6 loaves of bread.

His wife flabbergasted:
Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?

They had eggs.

Why I hate frameworks

Originally written by Benji Smith on Sep 30, 2005, this example shows exactly how far frameworks have swayed from their original goals in order to support everything possible. Read along:
——————————————————–
I’m currently in the planning stages of building a hosted Java web application (yes, it has to be Java, for a variety of reasons that I don’t feel like going into right now). In the process, I’m evaluating a bunch of J2EE portlet-enabled JSR-compliant MVC role-based CMS web service application container frameworks.

And after spending dozens of hours reading through feature lists and documentation, I’m ready to gouge out my eyes.

Let’s pretend I’ve decided to build a spice rack.

I’ve done small woodworking projects before, and I think I have a pretty good idea of what I need: some wood and a few basic tools: a tape measure, a saw, a level, and a hammer.

If I were going to build a whole house, rather than just a spice rack, I’d still need a tape measure, a saw, a level, and a hammer (among other things).

So I go to the hardware store to buy the tools, and I ask the sales clerk where I can find a hammer.

“A hammer?” he asks. “Nobody really buys hammers anymore. They’re kind of old fashioned.”

Surprised at this development, I ask him why.

“Well, the problem with hammers is that there are so many different kinds. Sledge hammers, claw hammers, ball-peen hammers. What if you bought one kind of hammer and then realized that you needed a different kind of hammer later? You’d have to buy a separate hammer for your next task. As it turns out, most people really want a single hammer that can handle all of the different kinds of hammering tasks you might encounter in your life.”

“Hmmmmmm. Well, I suppose that sounds all right. Can you show me where to find a Universal Hammer.”

“No, we don’t sell those anymore. They’re pretty obsolete.”

“Really? I thought you just said that the Universal Hammer was the wave of the future.”

“As it turns out, if you make only one kind of hammer, capable of performing all the same tasks as all those different kinds of hammers, then it isn’t very good at any of them. Driving a nail with a sledgehammer isn’t very effective. And, if you want to kill your ex-girlfriend, there’s really no substitute for a ball-peen hammer.”

“That’s true. So, if nobody buys Universal Hammers anymore, and if you’re no longer selling all those old-fashioned kinds of hammers, what kinds of hammers do you sell?”

“Actually, we don’t sell hammers at all.”

“So…”

“According to our research, what people really needed wasn’t a Universal Hammer after all. It’s always better to have the right kind of hammer for the job. So, we started selling hammer factories, capable of producing whatever kind of hammers you might be interested in using. All you need to do is staff the hammer factory with workers, activate the machinery, buy the raw materials, pay the utility bills, and PRESTO…you’ll have *exactly* the kind of hammer you need in no time flat.”

“But I don’t really want to buy a hammer factory…”

“That’s good. Because we don’t sell them anymore.”

“But I thought you just said…”

“We discovered that most people don’t actually need an entire hammer factory. Some people, for example, will never need a ball-peen hammer. (Maybe they’ve never had ex-girlfriends. Or maybe they killed them with icepicks instead.) So there’s no point in someone buying a hammer factory that can produce every kind of hammer under the sun.”

“Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.”

“So, instead, we started selling schematic diagrams for hammer factories, enabling our clients to build their own hammer factories, custom engineered to manufacture only the kinds of hammers that they would actually need.”

“Let me guess. You don’t sell those anymore.”

“Nope. Sure don’t. As it turns out, people don’t want to build an entire factory just to manufacture a couple of hammers. Leave the factory-building up to the factory-building experts, that’s what I always say!!”

“And I would agree with you there.”

“Yup. So we stopped selling those schematics and started selling hammer-factory-building factories. Each hammer factory factory is built for you by the top experts in the hammer factory factory business, so you don’t need to worry about all the details that go into building a factory. Yet you still get all the benefits of having your own customized hammer factory, churning out your own customized hammers, according to your own specific hammer designs.”

“Well, that doesn’t really…”

“I know what you’re going to say!! …and we don’t sell those anymore either. For some reason, not many people were buying the hammer factory factories, so we came up with a new solution to address the problem.”

“Uh huh.”

“When we stepped back and looked at the global tool infrastructure, we determined that people were frustrated with having to manage and operate a hammer factory factory, as well as the hammer factory that it produced. That kind of overhead can get pretty cumbersome when you deal with the likely scenario of also operating a tape measure factory factory, a saw factory factory, and a level factory factory, not to mention a lumber manufacturing conglomerate holding company. When we really looked at the situation, we determined that that’s just too complex for someone who really just wants to build a spice rack.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

“So this week, we’re introducing a general-purpose tool-building factory factory factory, so that all of your different tool factory factories can be produced by a single, unified factory. The factory factory factory will produce only the tool factory factories that you actually need, and each of those factory factories will produce a single factory based on your custom tool specifications. The final set of tools that emerge from this process will be the ideal tools for your particular project. You’ll have *exactly* the hammer you need, and exactly the right tape measure for your task, all at the press of a button (though you may also have to deploy a few *configuration files* to make it all work according to your expectations).”

“So you don’t have any hammers? None at all?”

“No. If you really want a high-quality, industrially engineered spice rack, you desperately need something more advanced than a simple hammer from a rinky-dink hardware store.”

“And this is the way everyone is doing it now? Everyone is using a general-purpose tool-building factory factory factory now, whenever they need a hammer?”

“Yes.”

“Well…All right. I guess that’s what I’ll have to do. If this is the way things are done now, I guess I’d better learn how to do it.”

“Good for you!!”

“This thing comes with documentation, right?

Learning from experiences

coffee_compWe should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again – and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.

– Mark Twain

On second thoughts, I can’t agree with Twain… when it’s between playing safe and literally burning in the rear, I won’t even bother taking my chances ;).

Bugs those don't bite!

coffee_compHere are some open source related bugs of different types, not the regular bugs we get to face daily in software –

A critical one, MS has more market share 😉 –
https://bugs.launchpad.net/clubdistro

Slipping boyfriend issue 😆 –
https://bugzilla.gnome.org/show_bug.cgi?id=626593

Ray of Hope 🙂 –
https://lists.ubuntu.com/archives/ubuntu-devel-discuss/2008-May/004196.html